


Giant Heart Paradox

by QuokkaFoxtrot



Series: Way Leads On To Way [2]
Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Abuse of poetry, Alcohol, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguments, Drunkenness, M/M, Making Up, Off Screen Break-Up, One Shot, Post-Canon, Relationship Talks, Sequel, mention of m/m/m threesome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-12
Updated: 2015-01-12
Packaged: 2018-03-07 06:33:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3164840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuokkaFoxtrot/pseuds/QuokkaFoxtrot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He stops twenty metres away from his quarters, face settling into a sneer as he takes a moment to set his heart into lockdown. </p><p>Newt's sitting on his stoop, elbows resting on his knees and head hanging down, staring at the bottle held loosely between his fingers.</p><p>"Go home, Geiszler," Hermann says as he moves closer; he really doesn't want to have to deal with anything to do with Newt right now. "You're drunk."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Giant Heart Paradox

**Author's Note:**

> Set 17 months after the end of [Divergent Paths](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1943418). Likely won't make sense without reading that.
> 
> Beta by Antheia. Mistakes by me.

It's late when Hermann leaves the festivities. The celebrations and cheering had thundered through the Shatterdome, following him from LOCCENT to Medical and on to the Jaeger Bay where he'd spent the night congratulating and being congratulated by his team.

The noise level drops as he makes his way, slow and stiff after days without stretching, through the increasingly less populated halls and elevators to the bowels of the Shatterdome.

The lights are off in the lab as he passes and he feels a compulsion to go in and turn them on, get back to work, only to realise that the vast majority of the work is done and there's nothing pressing. He sighs as he stares at the large, heavy doors, wondering if there would ever be a need to open them again, and continues down the hall.

He stops twenty metres away from his quarters, face settling into a sneer as he takes a moment to set his heart into lockdown. Newt's sitting on his stoop, elbows resting on his knees and head hanging down, staring at the bottle held loosely between his fingers.

"Go home, Geiszler," Hermann says as he moves closer; he really doesn't want to have to deal with anything to do with Newt right now. "You're drunk."

"I'm an idiot," Newt says with a mirthless laugh, still staring at the ground. "You're an idiot. We're both massive, huge, stupid idiots."

"You'll forgive me if I only agree with half of your sentiments." Hermann sniffs and seriously considers giving Newt a shove with his cane; at this point he'd probably be able to tip him out of the way and step past without much effort.

"I'll forgive you for anything," Newt says, finally looking up at Hermann. His eyes are red-rimmed and puffy, left one still blown out and there's a wad of tissue shoved back up his nostril. Hermann looks away with a sniff.

"Your forgiveness is neither sought nor warranted." Hermann adjusts his grip on his cane and looks down at Newt tired and withering. "Get off my stoop."

"I know what I saw in the drift," Newt says, jaw jutting out belligerently as he sways. "I know what I _felt_. You w-"

" _Do not_ air our dirty laundry in public," Hermann hisses, thumping his cane against the floor, eminently satisfied at the metallic ring that echoes through the hall and shuts Newt up instantly. 

"There's nobody here," Newt says waving the bottle expansively to show off the sheer emptiness of the hall. "They're all off celebrating the end of the world. The lack of the end of the world. The world ending stopping. That _we_ did. You were right. It was us. We stopped them in their tracks." He hiccups and gives a sad smile and Hermann sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. 

"Go home. Sleep it off," Hermann says and shoves Newt to the side with his cane before making his way up the stairs. "I don't know why you persist in imbibing. You've _always_ been a maudlin drunk." Hermann pulls his key out and unlocks the door, spinning the wheel and then there's a hand wrapping around his ankle and he's back in the hallway in Medical and Newt's flatlining behind closed doors and he lashes out with his leg. " _Remove your hand_ ," he spits viciously, staring at his door as he huffs in anger. "Do not make me kick you."

"I miss you." Newt's voice is quiet and his hand's slipping down to rest on top of Hermann's shoe. 

Hermann feels his nostrils flaring as he struggles to regain some measure of composure. "Good. You _deserve_ to miss me." 

"Can we talk? Please?" 

"It's a little late for that," Hermann says and he doesn't know why he hasn't just gone into his room and closed the door by now.

"I know what I felt in the drift. Didn't-... Didn't _you_ feel anything?"

And there it is. 

Hermann pushes in and walks inside, leaving the door open. He assumes Newt will get the message. 

Eventually.

He sits on his bed and flicks on his small heat pad, undoing the button of his trousers so he can slide it in the back. He closes his eyes with a sigh as the heat begins to work its way into muscle, taut and tense from days spent studiously ignoring the pain. 

Newt clomps into the room, steps arrhythmic, and Hermann can hear as he thumps against the doorframe before sliding into the chair he knew would be there.

"Close the door," Hermann says and lets himself lean forward, resting his elbows on his knees as he slowly begins to relax. He hears the clink of a bottle being set on the ground, then the unmistakable slap of a hand against the floor and the slow steady screech of his door swinging to shut with a clang.

"I was an idiot to break up with you," Newt says and Hermann looks up to see Newt righting himself, slumping on the chair with his head resting against the wall at an awkward angle.

"You were," Hermann agrees, straightening and stretching slowly.

"You were an idiot for letting me."

Hermann's head jerks up, eyes narrowing as he stares at Newt in anger. " _Letting you_? You made it _very_ clear what you wanted. Who was I to stand in the way of that?" 

"I fucked up. I-"

"You're good at that," Hermann cuts him off with a sneer, and looks away so he can adjust the heating pad; trying to keep his hands busy so he doesn't storm over to Newt, rap him soundly over the head with his cane, and kick him out into the hall.

"Please. Don't- Not now. I'm-... I'm _trying_ here. I want to talk to you and I-"

" _Talking_ is something you should have tried seventeen months ago," Hermann huffs with a roll of his eyes.

" _You_ stopped talking to _me_!" Newt shouts indignantly, trying to stamp his foot and wobbling on his chair. "You pulled away and I didn't- It was- I thought if I ended it before you did it'd be easier. Or- or that you'd tell me what was wrong."

"You thought _breaking up with me_ would get me to tell you what was _wrong_?" Hermann sneers and he can't remember the last time he was this furious. He's gripping the mattress tightly so he doesn't give in and throw the nearest thing at Newt. "You didn't think to simply fucking _ask_?" 

"I fucked up. I fucked up," Newt cringes and curls in on himself, turning away from Hermann's rage. "We had the talking policy and then you _stopped_ and it didn't- I didn't know what to _do_. You always talked to me and if you didn't want to anymore then- then you were _tired of me_."

" _You idiot_ ," Hermann spits and he's turning to face Newt, pointing at him accusingly. " _You_ stopped talking to me long before I stopped talking to you."

"What? _Bullshit_. I talked to you all the time," Newt says holding his arms out to the sides defensively and flailing to get a hold on the wall to stop himself from falling over.

" _You_ had to tell me how you felt; _what_ you were feeling. That you still wanted to be with me. Of your own volition. And then you _did_. In great and _vivid_ detail." Hermann turns away swiftly, pulling open the drawer of the bedside table and rummaging inside for his pill bottle as he listens to Newt sputter.

"I had to _keep_ telling you? I thought you _knew_!"

Hermann pops two pills into the palm of his hand and slams the bottle down. "You thought I knew?" He huffs as he downs the pills with water from his bedside glass. "You want to know what I felt in the drift? It confirmed what I suspected: your _loneliness_. You were only staying with me so you wouldn't be _alone_."

"Why would I _break up with you_ if that were true?" Newt says incredulously and then he's standing and wobbling across the room and Hermann's holding up a hand.

"Do not even _think_ about sitting on this bed. You are _filthy_ ," Hermann says and Newt drops to his knees, sitting at Hermann's feet and looking up at him plaintively.

"I'm lonely. It's just part of who I am. I'm an island-"

"You're not an island. You're barely a sandbank," Hermann snipes and he knows he's being uncharitable right now but he can only find it in himself to feel a tiny bit bad about it.

"I'm _different_. I'm always going to _be_ different. There's, like, seven people in the world who can keep up with me and they've all got their own shit going on and they're not- they don't have _time_ for me. I'm _always_ going to feel a little lonely but that's not why I was with _you_ ," Newt says and he's toying with Hermann's shoelace and Hermann can't bring himself to make him stop; not when Newt's being this open with him. "I-... I looked up that poem a couple of weeks ago. The one you said after-... after... um... yeah. There was a site that broke it down line by line and went over what it meant and stuff. Do you- Did you... love me?"

Hermann can't respond, stares straight ahead, barely breathes.

"I was kind of confused, sort of. If- If you were carrying my heart in yours then how... how could I carry your heart in mine? Then I thought maybe it was, like, a- a _paradox_. Your heart in my heart in your heart in my heart in your heart in mine just going on forever getting smaller and smaller and smaller but never really stopping." Newt sighs and his fingers stop playing with Hermann's shoe. "I don't- I don't get poetry. But you've said the 'poetry and promises' line enough in the past year to make it clear, now that I know, that- that I hurt you somehow. I didn't even know what it _meant_. I didn't know what you were _telling_ me. Hermann..."

There's an expectant silence and when Hermann finally musters up the courage to look at Newt, he sees him staring back solemnly.

"I know it's late but... I carry your heart. I carry it... I carry it in my giant heart paradox." Newt's steadying himself on the floor as he holds a hand out to Hermann and Hermann can only close his eyes and shake his head, hands painfully tight on his knees.

"It's too late," he says and the words are hard to get out around the tightness in his throat. "We've made our bed, now we must lie in it."

"No," Newt says with a shake of his head so sudden that makes him lurch to the side. He's flailing out and grabbing onto Hermann's leg and wrapping his arms around his calf. His chin presses into knee as he looks up with drunk determination. "We can unmake the bed. We can _rebuild_ the bed. We can make a _better_ bed. A four-poster with a headboard that won't break and-" He cuts himself off and presses his forehead against Hermann's thigh. "I'm- I'm too drunk for metaphors that make sense. I fucked up big time."

Newt looks up at him and he looks so sad and sincere and lost that Hermann wants nothing more than to run his fingers through Newt's hair and make sure he never looks that way again. 

He curls his hands into fists and focuses on his anger; the anger that's kept him afloat for the past seventeen months; the anger that's made sharing the lab with Newt bearable.

"We broke the rules _. I_ broke the rules. I should have just talked to you but- but I _set fire_ to the bed instead. Nonono, not the metaphor, can't do the metaphor right now," Newt says and then he's pushing himself to his knees and straightening up, one hand on the bed beside Hermann, the other covering the back of Hermann's hand on his knee. "Hermann, I wanna talk to you. I _always_ wanna talk to you. I'm sorry. I was dumb. Next time I'm gonna come straight to you, I'm not gonna- Can we... Can we try again?"

"No," Hermann says and it's a knee-jerk reaction. He huffs and looks away. "Maybe. I don't know. I don't want to go through this again."

"I don't either. I-... I _want_ to have emotionally uncomfortable conversations with you. I wanna tell you how I feel every day. We didn't make it to one, but... but I wanna make it to ten- _twenty_. I want us to defy everything we know about the universe and have emotionally uncomfortable conversations _beyond the grave_. I want us to be non-corporeal ghost things having emotionally uncomfortable conversations while the universe blips out of existence. I want you to be the big spoon sometimes and I- I want you to talk to _me_. I want you to tell me what's wrong and I want to _fix it_. I want-... I want you and me. I want there to be an _us_." Newt pushes his glasses up with the side of his hand and wobbles slightly but he doesn't break eye-contact with Hermann and his hand's still gripping his tightly.

"You blamed me," Hermann says and he can't stop it from coming out. "In your suicide note. For your death. It's not the first time you've done that."

"Nonono, that's not- It wasn't a _suicide_ note. That was- It was the science talking. You threw me under the bus and- I fucked up. I fucked up again." Newt's lurching forward and he's cradling Hermann's chin in both his hands and their foreheads bump together painfully but Newt just keeps staring Hermann in the eye. "I was about to do the most important thing I've ever done in my life and- and I was angry and terrified and excited and... and I couldn't stop thinking about _you_. I wanted you to know that you- you were the last person I thought about before I-..." He cuts himself off, eyes going wide. "That was the worst possible thing to say, wasn't it? I didn't mean it like that. I- You're important to me. Feels like you've always been important to me. I wanted you to know you were the last thing on my mind before- before I-"

"Newton. Newton, stop," Hermann says and he's curling his fingers around Newt's hands and pulling them away from his face. "I can't just forget what you said. Any of it." 

"I don't want you to," Newt says clutching Hermann's hands tightly. "I'm... I'm gonna own it. I said and did some incredibly stupid, hurtful things because I was being a big, dumb, giant baby. But- but I don't wanna be a big, dumb, giant baby anymore. I wanna- I wanna be a man. I wanna be _your_ man."

"This doesn't sound like you," Hermann says looking at Newt skeptically and Newt ducks his head and looks away. 

"Uh, Katz has been, um... bullying- lecturing- _coaching_ me on how to apologise to you. Ever since... Ever since- yeah. Uh. Every chance she got she was all: This is how you do it, dweeb 'I'm sorry I hurt you. This is what I said/did wrong. I won't do it again.'" Newt gives him a small, tentative smile. "Was she right?"

Hermann stares at Newt searchingly for a long moment before responding. "She's a very smart woman."

"Does this mean-"

"I need to think." Hermann cuts Newt off before he can finish the question. He knows what the question is. He's not yet one hundred percent certain of his answer. "Go wash up."

Newt opens and closes his mouth a few times and then he's nodding slowly and looking away. Letting go of Hermann's hands, he rolls onto his knees, crawling for a few steps before pushing himself to his feet and walking unsteadily toward the door.

"Newton," Hermann says softly and watches as Newt looks over his shoulder, bracing himself with an arm against the door. "The bathroom's that way." Hermann points and Newt looks over at it uncomprehendingly for a moment before jerking to look at Hermann wide-eyed.

"You mean...?"

Hermann closes his eyes and inclines his head and when he looks up Newt's still staring at him. He waves a hand impatiently and sighs. "You need to get rid of the dust and- and _blood_ and I... I need time to gather my thoughts. Go wash up."

Newt blinks, swallows and nods and makes his way unsteadily to the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

Hermann waits until he hears the shower running, pulls the heat pad out of the back of his trousers and goes to his drawer. He digs to the bottom of the pile of t-shirts and pulls out the one that he hasn't touched since Newt gave it back in a box of his things. It's sentimental and yet somehow feels right.

He opens the bathroom door quietly and sets the tee, a pair of sweats and a towel on the hamper before slipping back out and stripping down to his undershirt and boxers so he can stretch.

Pressing himself back against the wall, he slowly leans forward and can barely manage anything _close_ to a ninety-degree angle; it's going to be weeks before he can touch his toes again. He pushes himself through his routine, body working on autopilot as he lets his mind run through all the things he thought he'd say if it ever came down to this and trying to assimilate Newt's side of the story.

He's nearly finished by the time Newt walks out, fingers running over the material of the tee as he looks over at Hermann shyly.

"You're- you're okay with me wearing this again?" Newt asks and he's still a little unsteady on his feet, but seems much closer to sobriety now; less prone to babbling and eyes brighter.

Hermann nods as he straightens and gestures for Newt to come stand in front of him.

"I..." He begins and it feels odd, having this conversation standing in a corner of the room and staring at each other solemnly. He reaches over and takes Newt's hand as he continues. "I should have spoken to you. I wanted you to _choose_ to tell me how you felt. I thought it- it would be more... true if I didn't have to badger you for it." Hermann squeezes Newt's hand and averts his eyes. "I thought you were trying to find a way to... end things. And then... you did. It hurt and I was angry and I'm _still_ angry because- because... I didn't want us to end in the first place."

"God, Hermann," Newt says and he's moving closer, sliding his free hand up to cup Hermann's jaw. "We fucked up. We fucked up so bad." 

"We really did," Hermann says, taking a shuddering breath and he wants to reach out, wants to pull Newt closer but they're still on such shaky ground.

"Does this mean- Are we- Can we be back together now?" Newt's staring at Hermann and holding his breath and he's close enough that Hermann can feel the heat emanating from his chest. 

"It shouldn't be so easy," Hermann says staring at Newt at a loss, they're so close to having everything back but there's still such a large gulf between them.

"If it was easy, we'd have done it _months_ ago. We wouldn't have had to get inside each other's _heads_ to work this shit out." Newt says and he's placing a hand on the wall beside Hermann's to stop himself from swaying and Hermann grips his other hand a little tighter. "Do you want us to be us again? I mean, you know what I want. What do- what do _you_ want?" 

Newt's staring at Hermann intently, an edge of fear in his eyes and it only takes a small movement to splay his hand across Newt's back and pull him the last centimetre forward.

He slides his hand up Newt's back and holds him close. He'd thought he'd never feel this again; that he'd never be able to wrap his arms around Newt and simply hold him. The way they'd reached for each other in LOCCENT should have been a giveaway; the fact that it had been automatic and as comforting as he'd remembered should have clued him in to the fact that things between them were unfinished; the way he'd sidled up to Newt, letting himself forget the past seventeen months and be jostled in easy camaraderie... Maybe it was the drift speaking. Maybe-

"I'm going to kiss you now," Newt says quietly, drawing Hermann out of his thoughts and Hermann meets him halfway. It's slow and soft and reverent as though they're both afraid everything will shimmer and crumble to dust if they go too fast. When he pulls back Newt's a little wobbly on his feet and Hermann has to tighten his grip to keep him from falling. "I love you, Hermann. I'm gonna- I wanna say it every day - _every_ day. And- and if I don't, it's not because I've _stopped_. I don't think I know _how_ to stop." 

Hermann takes a shuddering breath and lets it out slowly as he presses his face into the crook of Newt's neck. That was everything he'd wanted to hear seventeen months ago and more and he has to clamp down on the part of him that wants to lash out and put an end to everything now on principle because he wants Newt back so much more than he wants to prove a point.

"It was so fucking hard to share the lab with you," Newt murmurs into his hair. "I'd see you hobbling around and know you were having a bad day and I'd have to grab onto something to stop myself from going to you. I wanted to hold you and make sure you woke up warm and push you against the blackboard on your good days and I wanted you napping with me on my couch and I _never stopped_ wanting those things."

"I could have lost you today," Hermann says unable to stop it from coming out. "I can't go through that again."

"I don't want to let you," Newt says holding Hermann just that little bit tighter.

"When I saw you on the floor like that... I was back in that room again. Machines were beeping and I- I couldn't let you die again. I couldn't let you- I was so _angry_ for so long but when I saw you... I felt nothing but... terror. At least when we were lobbing insults at each other you were... you were _alive_."

"I can't promise you I'm not gonna die, Hermann," Newt says and he sounds like he would give anything for it to be a lie. "But... you're not gonna find me like that again. The kaiju are _gone_. I'm never going to have to drift with one to save the world _ever_ again. We did it, Hermann. We saved the world and... and you saved me."

Hermann draws back and looks Newt in the eye. "I don't want to have to do it again," he says, hand coming up to cup Newt's jaw, thumb stroking over his cheek because Newt's _here_ and this is _real_. "But I will if I have to. Please do not test that."

"I'll try not to," Newt says solemnly. "You know I'd do the same for you, right? If I ever found you like that... I wouldn't handle it anywhere near as well as you did. Fuck, I think I'd lose my _mind_. I'm sorry, I'm _so_ fucking sorry." All the colour drains from Newt's face and then he's pulling Hermann roughly to him, squeezing him so tight that Hermann has to push away to let himself breathe.

"I'm not the reckless one, remember?" Hermann looks at Newt with a sad smile and steps around Newt. "There is so much to talk about. So much we _need_ to talk about, and we will. Tomorrow. After we've slept until we can sleep no more." 

"Do you want me to... go?" Newt asks looking between the bed and the door and swaying slightly; he's still drunk; still defaulting to the negative.

"If ever there was a night that I needed the warmth, it's this one," Hermann says and takes Newt's hand, leading him over to the bed. "I need my big spoon."

Newt steps in front of Hermann and stops him with a single hand, stretching up to press his lips gently to Hermann's.

It's the most solemn kiss Hermann's ever received from the man.

"I will big spoon the hell out of you," Newt says and then turns to pull the covers back, lying down and scooting across against the wall before holding an arm up to wait for Hermann.

Hermann huffs a soft laugh in spite of himself and sits gingerly on the edge of the bed, groaning as he tilts to the side and lifts his legs in. Newt waits until he's settled then he's pressed up against him, warmth radiating from his skin and Hermann can feel his muscles slowly starting to relax. He can feel Newt's heart beating against his back and takes Newt's hand in his own, pressing it to the answering thump in his own chest.

"I'm glad you're here," he murmurs as he flicks the bedside light off and closes his eyes. "I've missed you."

"I'm... Sometimes I don't feel like me," Newt says into Hermann's neck. "Someone will be calling me and I'll be waiting for Newt to answer. It's been so long and I can't shake him; can't shake the idea that I'm watching my life from the outside."

"I've seen it happen," Hermann says quietly, fingers stroking Newt's where they're curled together. "The knife would already be turning in my heart before realisation hit you; my only recourse to clamp down on anger so I wouldn't go to you."

"I've thought about exposing myself again," Newt murmurs. "I've still got the fluid. It wouldn't take much and then-"

" _Don't_." Hermann's hand clenches down on Newt's, nails digging in painfully to the back of his hand. "It wouldn't... It wouldn't be _him_. It would be you, with _your_ grief and the hole in _your_ life. He would _know_ he was a replacement. We can't go down that path. Promise me you won't do it. _Promise me_." Hermann turns in Newt's arms, staring at him with pleading eyes.

Newt squeezes his eyes shut and shakes his head. "I won't. I _won't_. I just... I want him back _so_ much. I'd... I'd be _Mendelssohn_ again if it meant we could have him with us."

"You saw what happened to the rats; to the- the _pig_. We didn't know how lucky we were; to not have to watch as... as he..."

"I know. I _know_ ," Newt says and Hermann can feel his face scrunching up against his neck, the damp warmth of tears as he breathes to calm himself down. "I miss him. I miss _us_."

"I do, too," Hermann says, throat tight with emotion. "We are all we have left."

"I'm not letting you go," Newt says and hugs Hermann fiercely. "Bring on the- the _emotionally awkward_ conversations, bring it. I can handle it. I can-"

"And we will," Hermann says quietly, cutting Newt off and trying to focus on the feeling of Newt behind him, not his simultaneous absence. "Tomorrow. We have so many more now. For tonight just... hold me."

"Whatever you want," Newt says and presses a kiss to Hermann's neck, loosening his grip on Hermann's hand but not letting go.

After long moments of silence as Hermann focusses on relaxing his muscles one by one and evening out his breathing, he hears Newt inhale. 

"I love you," he says softly and Hermann feels warmth flow through him, marred by a pang in his heart that has yet to be quieted. It doesn't stop the memory that comes unbidden of the drift; of the loneliness and isolation that both of them had felt, eclipsed by the way they felt for each other.

"And I, you."

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry. As I got closer to the end of Divergent Paths it became more and more apparent to me that they (adkjhsk) broke up sometime before canon and I couldn't have that. Did _not_ want to write the break-up, so here's the make-up to quiet my mind.
> 
> The Everybody Lives AU is still in the works - it's 11k, but apparently I've insisted upon plot happening, so I don't know when it'll be finished.
> 
> Title is a bastardised interpretation of e.e. cummings' [i carry your heart](http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poetrymagazine/poem/179622).
> 
> Series title is from Robert Frost's [The Road Not Taken](http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/173536) because I'm that asshole.


End file.
